Morning Thoughts

I recently listened to a 2011 podcast of Marc Maron’s WTF featuring Anthony Bourdain… I am still in such shock over his death. How can it be? The fact that last week we lost Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain to suicide is absolutely baffling beyond comprehension to me. I am admittedly naive and seem to think that people with career success are obviously happy and fulfilled and no matter what darkness lives inside of them, the satisfaction that comes from financial freedom…(from running an empire really)…that kind of success eclipses the darkness; it triumphs over demons or sadness…Christ am I wrong….

When I think to my darkest days a few years back, days I never wrote about because it was too private or I felt too much shame, I felt such a feeling of worthlessness that I thought unthinkable thoughts. I thought unthinkable thoughts and I believed in that moment, that if I had the life of Kate or Anthony, I would feel complete. I would feel worthy. And look at how their lives ended. It’s devastating. We never really know what battles people are fighting inside of themselves and no matter how many memes or inspirational quotes we post and like, so many people are privately struggling. I was one of those people. I can remember a day where I felt the lowest. I look at pictures from this day at a farm picking pumpkins with my daughter where I was trying so hard to create perfect memories, but in between the click of the camera, I wanted nothing more than to disappear completely from my life…I could not shake the sadness…I could not rid myself of this overwhelmingly feeling that I was a complete failure. Everyday I would wake up just hoping to feel better..hoping to turn it around…with therapy and self love and many other factors, things got better. But I’m not trying to write a how to get out of a dark place post  because I’m just not qualified to do so…I just hope we can be better to eachother and better to ourselves. Life is short and no matter how dark the day gets, in the morning, the sun will rise. There is so much hope in a new day and beauty all around us. I feel so incredibly blessed in my life and when I feel myself getting pulled towards that isolating darkness, I go back to gratitude. I look at my child and husband…my parents and family… I see that little bit of green sprouting from the potted plants outside and I feel like the world is full of possibilities. I feel so fortunate to have been blessed in the ways I have and trust that so much more awaits if I allow it. Be good to yourselves. Be as good to yourself as you are to others. You deserve it.

Love is really all around you . Open yourself up to see it. I always find little signs like this when I need it most:

heartleaf

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