Growing Pains

My first ever post was about dropping my daughter off at preschool and spending the day crying, worrying about losing my Mommy title, and feeling overwhelmed at what I would do next….WELL, I’m still not exactly sure what I’m doing or who I am BUT I most certainly do not spend my days without her crying while scrolling through the hundreds of photos of her on my phone- THAT is certain. (Let’s just say if I could safely slow down my car and have her jump out of it as I drove by the preschool twice a week, I would….just kidding… )  She’s not even 3 and she has all the attitude of a brooding teenage girl in her adorable little toddler body. There’s a big storm a comin’ and I’m not sure there’s enough bottled water and xanax on the store  shelves to prepare for this one!

She’s just moved to the 3 year old class…It hasn’t even been a year and shes already moving to the next level.  This milestone did indeed take me to my photo library to find her “first day of preschool shot”. I don’t even recognize that baby. She was a BABY. She had recently turned 2 and was just about 6 months out from breastfeeding. No wonder I cried!!! I remember my mother telling me the value of preschool before she started, how I would look forward to it and come to need it. At the time I couldn’t imagine my baby, who fed from my breast at night until 18 months  would be with other people for 2 entire days of the week. I felt I was abandoning her so I could, what…poop in private with the door closed? Go to the grocery store alone? Clean the toilets without interruption? Figure out who Vanessa was??? It seemed so selfish to want those things but now…? Now? YES PLEASE YES PLEASE  I want all those things and more! I was so against preschool. I thought why are we putting these babies in school so young? For what?  I thought we would just be together forever…going to the park and the market….long walks in the neighborhood…. She needs me and I need her and we love eachother  and  we can live forever in harmony with enough Cheerios and Trader Joe’s Inner Peas right? Well somewhere along the way our relationship changed. We’ve become that couple who come for dinner and always fight. Then when they leave you say, why are they even together??? Because we love eachother okay? Because she’s almost  3, and I’m 40 and I’m her mom and I love her more than life but we’re just going through a tough time okay?! !? She loves me too (I hope). She just loathes me because I ask her to clean up her toys and tell her she can’t have lollipops for breakfast. I keep counting to 3 and putting her in time out.  I’m kind of a buzzkill for her right now and I get it, I do. I get that she is constantly pouting with her arms crossed because I am SUCH a tyrant….Are they casting for print models to be featured on the first page of Chapter 3: Age 3 in a child development textbook because….I’ve got one!  I expected to be better at this but she’s testing me and  I . HATE. TESTS. I must stand my ground . I must remain calm. I must NOT go from zero-batshit crazy mommy  in seconds. Really I can’t.  I must do better. She is watching.  Every morning I lay in bed and say the  God grant me the serenity  prayer because -this is hard. This is much harder than I thought. My mom has told me she’s a tough cookie, so she must be because my Mom is a baby/child whisperer. She knows all. She has all the tricks. Let me tell you, they don’t work on my girl. She is a force to be reckoned with. I know one day I will be standing on my feet in the audience applauding her accomplishments, but until then-SERENITY NOW!!

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September of 2015 and Now…Slow down !

 

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