Yesterday I failed you. Yesterday, I failed to be patient. I showed you the best way to handle any adversity is to yell and grit your teeth. I showed you that one moment it’s ok to be sweet and the next moment it’s normal to be a raving lunatic. Yesterday, I taught you to yell and slam doors.
I failed you dear child and I am so so sorry. I have become a “do as I say not as I do” type lately. Please forgive me for not being my best self. Please believe me when I say that everyday I wake wanting to be the absolute best version of myself not only for you and Daddy but for me. I want to value myself as your Mommy and as a wife and as a woman. Since you have been born, I have had an undeniable desire to be better than I have ever been before, somebody who you could look up to and be so proud to call Mom. But lately, my frustration within myself for not achieving whatever goals exist in my mind that somehow prove myself worthy are getting the best of me. Trust me that I wake in the morning vowing to be positive and calm and within one minute of your very first whine out of your mouth, I am burning with frustration. I am frustrated by the constant sight of crumbs and clutter and I am frustrated when I realize that my one job the last 3 years has been YOU, so you should be absolutely perfect. The truth is YOU ARE. You are bright and funny and difficult as hell because your brain is working at a rapid pace taking all of this big world in! But I have been an adult for so long that I forget what it is to play, to wonder, to question, to challenge….I have forgotten the sheer joy that comes from the simplest things…balloons, bubbles, hide and seek, the big girl swing at the park and how it makes your tummy tickle… I have gone through my life with a shadow of myself following me holding a clipboard, tracking my every move; accomplishments or missed opportunities… Somewhere along the line, I decided that if I stayed home with you and nurtured you, you wouldn’t go through these challenging 2 and 3-year-old phases. I thought, if I am doing my job correctly then you will listen to everything I say, you will never need to be reminded to say please or thank you. You will transition from diapers to potty seamlessly. I will not have to bargain or bribe or threaten. If I am doing a good job being your Mommy, you will be a mini adult. (HAHAHA YEA RIGHT!) You will put your napkin on your lap. You will use a fork. You will not shove food into your mouth. You will clean up after yourself. You will be calm. You will not yell or grit your teeth or slam doors because I …..Wait– just do as I say not as I do, ok?
Maybe take it easy on me every once in a while? You don’t have to object to every. single. thing. It’s ok to listen too. Aren’t you bored with the Crazy Mommy show? Aren’t you curious to see who I can be if we spend less time fighting and more time doing?
But- here’s the thing, I am discovering that I was chosen to be your mother because I desperately need to learn from you.(I am stubborn as we all are – yea family trait!) I can’t just suddenly change the way I am , I need to see life through your eyes; But I could never just read a book and understand something, I must live it. So I accept your challenges little one… You are my greatest teacher of joy and letting go. You will never let me watch my life from the sidelines. Thank you for encouraging me to get in the game and play even if it seems like I’m losing because truly the very opportunity to play it with you and Daddy is the winning. You already seem to know that and I am just now figuring it out. So thank you my dear daughter because today, you taught me.
3 year olds….I love you kid but you’re makin me crazy!