I started this blog when my daughter began preschool as a way to work through my emotions and also to give myself something to focus on – to sort of take back ownership of my own life, not that I really wanted to. I really like being needed; I enjoy not having to focus on myself….I take to the role of being consumed by my child and family. I cherish this role and quite honestly, it’s a REALLY good way to NOT deal with me. (It, of course comes with its own issues… please see most every blog I’ve posted where I don’t feel I’m worth anything because I am not a Mom/ Millionaire Mogul . Here’s to feeling worthless but also loving being needed… haha ..Oh Motherhood why are you so complicated?!)
As I sort through the paperwork for Isabella’s kindergarten application, my nerves are running a muck. The sands are passing quickly through the hourglass of the full time mommy and small part time job days and I’m devastated. Truly. “Have you thought about going back to work when she’s in school everyday,” I read the text from my sister this morning. My stomach turns at the thought of being in an office everyday again. Oh my God- what am i qualified for at this point?? It’s been 5 years since I sat behind a desk. All I’ve done is raised a human..does THAT count for anything… How does that translate on my LinkedIn profile I wonder… I strip the beds and start laundry… so much to do… “Really think about what you want to do my Love…you want to get back into acting? You want to write a book? Whatever it is, do it and really focus on it,” my husband says… He’s right. “I know,” I say. He goes to work and I cut and marinate the chicken for dinner then move on to cleaning the bathroom. I’ll just keep finding things to do I guess….
We could… have another baby? I mean.. we could try. Could that be the answer? Is that where my talent lies? Motherhood? What if THAT is what I am made to do? Make and raise people? Or is this the world’s worst excuse to figuring out what I’m going to be when I grow up? Is this a normal reaction to kindergarten applications? Anyone? We’ve just gotten rid of the crib and little toddler bed. My daughter has a big girl room with a double bed and cascading white canopy for God’s sake! We just ordered a damn teepee for her room! I mean- we are moving on over here- well some of us are.
My sister in law and brother in law just welcomed their first child last week and you don’t need a degree in psychology to attribute some of my baby thoughts to that. I mean really…her soft baby skin, the baby gurgle sounds…her little toes… the smell of her head! She’s sweet perfection. (I had 36 hours of labor and a nasty tear that prevented me from getting in and out of bed without assistance and STILL it was the most magical time of my life.) I loved every minute of those days. And- my Mom was here for a month…could she come again? Wouldn’t that be fun?
Seriously , do other Moms feel this way? Is this the very reason people keep having children? Could it just be that I miss the days of having a baby the same way I miss being in Turks and Caicos with my husband? Do we need another vacation? I mean, maybe…BUT that could lead to another baby though… let’s be honest. (Wouldn’t be the first time- Thanks for the memories Paris – oh and the kid!) How do you tell what this feeling really is? If I were on a TV series right now, or on a book tour, would I wish I were home with a baby instead? Umm…Maybe… probably actually. I mean if you weigh out all the pros and cons, I can’t say with an overwhelming yes that it’s a perfect idea- there will always be things to worry about…but is it the worst idea?? And why is Isabella asking- no begging– for a baby sister or brother everyday? I’m telling you- this kid is GOOD. I actually feel guilty about it- like I’m depriving her this lifetime sibling bond that both my husband and I have. But since when did we start taking advice from 4 year olds?? She is a wise old soul though…Does she know something we don’t? Damn it babies- why do you have to be so precious and innocent? Why do you have to come with so much joy and hope and promise??
I seriously don’t know if I should work on my resume or see when I’m ovulating. Well…I’m going to vacuum and think about it…